When we truly value a relationship, most of us are willing to put in a great deal of effort to maintain it. Ironically, trying too hard can actually put the relationship in the danger zone. This is most true in romantic relationships because they are by nature about vulnerability and self-disclosure. We are becoming close to another person, opening up to them in new ways, so they may start making demands we are not sure we are prepared to meet. When someone tries too hard, it is related to control of where the relationship is headed. Some people call this micromanaging which tends to lead to the other person distancing themselves and becoming ambivalent. This then exacerbates the issue by having the controlling partner lean in more to repair the relationship, creating a vicious cycle that tends to end in disaster. Below are some tips that are meant to ensure both parties remain on the same page and comfortable while creating a give and take type relationship.
Discuss Your Status
Create a built-in habit of checking in with one another about how you feel and what you are thinking about your connection before continuing the relationship. Be honest and frank about any feelings you both have, whether they be anxiety, ambivalence, or insecurity. This can be awkward and strange in the beginning, but it provides valuable information and becomes vital for the maintenance of a long-term relationship. Decide together when these talks will occur and stay open to what the other person needs and wants. This will promote trust, but reduces the chances of a crisis later one if unresolved issues and feelings would arise.
Cultivate Mindfulness
Mindfulness is not something many consider, but being aware of how each partner is experiencing the relationship is important. This keeps both parties from feeling like they are in danger of being overwhelmed or depleted. Try something simple like sitting together with no distractions, in silence for three minutes and then follow this with timed shares from each of you to walk about what it was like to simply sit together. This helps create a safe space for couples to practice acceptance that is unconditional for standing in a relationship.
Give Each Other Permission to Speak Up
Sometimes one partner will over-manage the other. Indicators of this over-management can be subtle like one person choosing who does what chore or extreme like one person always choosing when sex will occur. Maintain the focus on how over-management makes one person experience the relationship. Be willing to talk or listen about feelings without accusation, just facts. This allows for analyzing of the feelings and an openness to solutions.
Don’t Fake ‘Fine’
Never ignore your own feelings because this can lead to a blow-up later. At the same time, do not approach a specific issue when it is likely to cause bigger problems instead of lead to a solution. If you practice the three previous strategies, then an environment of interpersonal communication has already been established so issues can be addressed calmly with no accusation and in many settings. Problems get solved in real time without the danger of ignoring underlying feelings. Every time a problem is approached in this way, you are building trust and connection.
