When you choose to ate someone who has been divorced, know he comes with emotional baggage. For those women who have been out of the dating game for a while, this may not be as scary, but still you may take pause when you first hear he is divorced. The common concerns of why his marriage ended, whether there are children, or if he can handle a serious relationship may be at the forefront of your mind. Most of all, you may want to know whether a divorce is an immediate red flag and there is no simple answer.
Just because a guy has been divorced does not mean that he is damaged or the relationship is doomed to fail. He could be your true love, but you will have to take the time to learn about this new guy to make sure the same mistakes are not made as were made with his wife.
What to Expect
First, know that divorce rates are extremely high. This is in part because people marry young and without much preparation for what is to come. Some even jump into second marriages without learning much which is a problem. This is why it is so important to take things slow. This is also why it could be that the man sitting across from you is the nicest person in the world, but he has made mistakes.
Some divorced men may be affected heavily by a divorce and there is often a bitter ex that my make things tougher. It will be difficult to look through his social media accounts and see reminders of his old life and wonder if you can get to that point with him. Only the strongest of women can handle such a task. Below is a brief list of what to expect if you choose to try to be this woman.
Emotional Baggage
Getting involved with a divorced man means emotional baggage will be present. You must learn how to handle this appropriately without adding to it. Never make him feel guilty for feeling sensitive or cautious. Learn about his ex and what happened when he is ready to share. If he needs professional help, let him and do not get involve if he does not ask.
Meeting the Family
If you are the first woman brought home since a divorce, it can be a challenge. If the family liked the ex then it can be even harder. The family will nee time to process the divorce as well, so if they are not overly friendly, do not lose hope. Ask the new guy ahead of time how his family reacted to the divorce so you can be somewhat prepared.
Kids are Priority
If the guy has kids, they will be his top priority. This does not mean he does not love you, but his kids should be the most important. If you are uncomfortable playing second fiddle to children, then do not stick with the guy. The children did not ask for the divorce and they should be priority, especially if young. Be supportive and let him decide when it is time to meet the children. It is a delicate matter.
Ex Remnants
If the divorced guy still lives in the home he shared with his family, there will be reminders of the ex lying around. Do not take it personally when something reminds him of a joyful time. You may feel out of place, but give him time to process and learn what you like. It takes time to move on from a past marriage.
Your Family’s Questions
Your family will want to know why his marriage ended, but this is out of love and protection for you. If he is a good guy, your family will eventually warm up, but do not try to rush the process. Let everyone get to know him at their own pace.
Comparisons
It is nearly impossible not to compare you to the ex on some occasions. When you hear these comparisons, try not to be hurt. Remind people that you are not a replacement, but do not let them diminish your role in the relationship.
Take It Slow
Be willing to take it slow, both for you and him. His last relationship hurt him and has left a mark on his life. He will not want to make the same mistakes. He really is into you, but needs a bit of time before stating a commitment. It is best to take it slow, but you must be on the same page with this.
Don’t Stalk the Ex
Though social media makes it tempting, do not stalk the ex’s page or Insta. You will fin photos of them together in a happy life n possibly negative comments about your boyfriend. Just refrain from deep diving in this area.
Red Flags
When you decide that you are willing to give a guy who is divorced a chance, know that not all are in it for the long haul. Look for the following red flags that he is not really committed.
- Look for thrill seekers who only want a fling and stay away. They are trying to take the edge off after the sting of divorce.
- If he is codependent on the ex or you, walk way. He needs to do some personal work before committing.
- If he says marriage is never for him again, but this is what you want, walk away.
- If he is rude or hateful toward women in general, he has become a woman hater and needs to take some time away from dating.
- If he is unwilling to take at least some of the blame for his marriage failing, then you may want to walk away. It takes two to make and break a marriage, he needs to share the responsibility. Not doing so shows a lack of respect.
It takes a strong woman to date a divorced man. It is important to take things slow and let him heal, but make sure your values and needs are being met as well. You deserve a mature man that loves you for you, not as a replacement. Watch for the red flags, but if things are going well, do not let his past scare you off.
